Mither (1 of 2) (Photo credit: Brett Jordan)
This past weekend got me thinking about my mortally, to be frank.
It got me thinking about it because well, there’s the obvious. But also because before I was diagnosed I’d joke about and say, “I’ve already had cancer once. I don’t think I’m going to get it again for a long, long time.” But here I am. 14.25 years of remission and diagnosed again. All before the age of 30. My body is so freakin’ fancy.
This is actually something I meditated on a lot when I was first diagnosed with my new friend, breast cancer.
But that’s another post.
Thinking about that this past weekend, I realized that I really DON’T think about it as much as some would assume.
I worry about alllllll of those other things.
I’ve probably mentioned most of those things in other posts. But really, I worry about some seemingly petty things and some things that I never thought I’d be worrying about.
My first worry is my job. I have had to take off quite a bit of time because of my set back with recovery and this new pain that popped up a month later. I worry that I’m disappointing my boss, the managers, the people that pointed me in the direction of the job, etc. I worry that it won’t be my job when I can go back.
I worry about money (duh) because I’m not working and because in parking alone, we have spent about 100 dollars- and I’m not even done yet! They never prepare you for that freakin’ parking, do they? Hah
Those are normal worries, I think.
Relationship worries are huge. I’m sure this is something a lot of people relate to in one way or another.
As I’ve mentioned, I‘ve lost a friend or two since diagnosis. But let’s go further…
I worry that old friends or people I have had failed relationships with have come back because they pity me. That new friends are only nice to me out of pity. I really hate pity, and it makes me really upset to think that- but I can’t really stop those assumptions or worries sometimes.
I have no idea why I’m putting this in print and will be posting it to the internet, but I am. It’s like I think that if I confess all of these worries, I’ll purge myself of them. Then I can surrender to life again and just feel a lot better about my situation, which is really not bad. Worrying is, though.
Anyway, relationships.
I worry that people are scared of me and what will happen to me because I’m going through cancer again.
I worry that people will get mad over my blog (self caused worry, there, but still a worry)
I worry about all of these things because at some point or another, I have known people who have had all of these feelings about a situation.
‘Oh I have to call so-and-so or invite so-and-so because they are sick/having a hard time/etc’
‘She’s only with him because she doesn’t have the heart to break up with him’
‘I had to take some time off of work because of an injury so they found a loophole to use to fire me’
The list goes on when it comes to relationships. I can literally lay in bed for hours and hours and dissect every relationship I have convince myself that it has changed or is only in existence because of the news I got on December 28th of 2012. It makes me feel absolutely psychotic! But I know it’s all really insane for me to worry about. However, I also know that I’m not the only one that thinks those things sometimes. And I only know that… because I know so many people that had cancer as teenagers. And I was their friend when they were going through it… and I know that they told me they had those worries. Sometimes we still talk about that sort of thing. So, at least I know I’m not so crazy that I’m the only person to worry about those things.
More serious worries are about my health and how it will affect my future. Not the mortality stuff… but the other stuff. I already have quite a few side effects from my chemo and have to watch my heart because of the Adriamycin. I may not be having chemo THIS time, but I know that there will be things to watch again just because of the cancer. For instance, breast cancer is related to a few not so fun cancers and my ovaries and thyroid will need to be monitored. And sure, I’m having a mastectomy on the right breast next year, but do you know how thoroughly I check it for changes? I’m sure you do if you are a patient or survivor.
Oddly enough, I never worried about anything coming back with my first cancer, and it was actually aggressive. This time, my cancer is kind of a wuss comparatively. I know that. Doctors know I know that, and they have said almost exactly those words to me. It’s not new knowledge. But here I am. Poking already biopsied lumps and bumps just in case they change before they are removed.
I promise I haven’t gone all negative Nancy on you guys. I’m just a mildly obsessive person and when insomnia strikes or something triggers a thought, my brain can just take it and run until I catch myself. Then it’s back to meditating and deep breathing so I can laugh at myself later. And you know, tell you guys how absolutely insane I can be.
So, hopefully that purged my worries and my brain can be all footloose and fancy free for the rest of my days!
Fierce is the New Pink 
Ok, I hope that writing all of that made you feel somewhat better. Of course you worry – who wouldn’t? And I hate it that you are feeling that way because it isn’t fun, I know. But Bekah, do not waste your energy on things you have no control over. Like worrying about what people might think about you, your relationship with Blake, etc. You need your energy for other, WAY more important things. YOU know – and Blake knows – what is true. And your job is there for you – I promise and I have it on pretty good authority there. You are respected and valued at ES and their main concern is that YOU become stronger. When you are ready, it will be there. They do not pity you, but they are concerned. There is a difference. As far as friends go, you are NOT being pitied, you are being loved. None of us like what you are living though right now – all of us wish that we could change it. It makes us sad that our friend has such a heavy burden. But pity? No, girl. I am not just speaking for myself, but for all the people that care so much about you. Sooooooo – channel that active brain to do more productive things like plan a wedding.
I know I don’t need to worry about these things. Logically, I know it is ALL silly. Usually I don’t even worry much at all! But when something hits, it hits with the force of super ultra craziness! haha
I promise Im still positive over here, I just REALLY needed to purge!
There is grief that comes with cancer; I don’t need to tell you this as this is not your first rodeo. And this “wussy” breast cancer experience may also be digging up some grief from your sarcoma that your adolescent brain didn’t appreciate. You have earned your anxiety, even the irrational anxiety. And when I say you’ve earned it, I mean that you are dealing with truly stressful circumstances and during these times, you are going to act, think, and feel like a stressed person. And as you do doubt already know, grief comes in ebbs and flows. You will get back to your meditation and breathing when you are ready. If not, there are plenty of nice folks who can be resources to you and help you through. As for myself, I see a psychologist for counseling and do all of my self-care stuff. I haven’t felt stuck but need to avoid being stuck like the plague because I am a mom and have a job where I have to deal with emotional stuff all of the time. You may use different resources that work for you.
Thanks 🙂 Im considering what my options are- right now, my biggest issue is that I cant really go anywhere with ease, so I try to keep up with things in the apartment or do things here that will help. I make lots of phone calls and write lots of emails! haha
It’s good that you are doing what you can to keep connected with the people who are supportive of you. And blogging is another way you are doing that. Keep writing, emailing, and calling!
I hope that being able to share will help and don’t worry what others think of your blog so long as it helps you.. Yes focus on planning a wedding.. That you have control of….
I am! Thank you!
Helen is right. Our blogs are ways for us to take care of ourselves. People worry because they love us and care about us. But I know with a few people, namely my parents who are lovely but anxious people, it is hard for me not to worry about worrying them. But it is manageable. And I actually think as they see me working through my grief in my blog, that it helps them see that the worried, sad, and angry times are not permanent.
Howdy. I love you. That is all.
Howdy! Love you!