Three Things.

It has been 6 weeks since surgery! Hooray! That means I am no longer forced to sit still most of the time and I can FINALLY use my crutches. Obviously, I celebrated by walked Albus. He was almost as excited as I was about it!

Also, I have had my expander filled twice. Both times with the maximum 120cc (4oz) for a total of 240cc (8oz) and whatever was put in during surgery (I think he said 120, as well. But I may be wrong). I think I need about 60 more Monday when I go back. I was TERRIFIED when I went the first time. I mean, those needles are huge!! Once it was happening I realized it was kinda awesome, though. They use a magnet to find the port. I kinda felt like a refrigerator. Then it was like my left side was going through puberty very, very quickly. Of course, I was prepared for extreme soreness after each procedure but I only experienced it slightly in my left should and upper arm. The tightness was gone by the next morning. So, my experience has been great with the expander under a lat flap recon. I wasn’t able to find many survivor stories about this sort of lat flap recon, so I am going to be adding mine to forums later today in hopes that someone like me needs it.

Now. On to the main reason for this post.

The last seven days have been a whirlwind of emotions.

About this time last week I went into my “Other Messages” folder on Facebook because I hadn’t in so long. I was greeted with what is possibly the meanest message in the history of mean messages. I’m going to share it, now. If you are really upset by cursing, there is one doosie in the message, though it is hardly the worst part, so use discretion and skip over it if needed:

“Have you changed, or are you still a miserable sociopath? I have spent hours empathizing and trying to love you, but you were always just a miserable, manipulative cunt. Did the threat of death at such an early age horribly scar your psyche? Is self-preservation the only human emotion you have left? How do you sleep at night, knowing that you lied incessantly to further your petty goals? Have you ever truly cared for anyone, or are we all just a means to an end? I wish you peace, love, and happiness. I fear you are incapable of experiencing basic human emotion.”

The message was sent from a false profile with the name of a famous WWE person, and I am clueless about who it could be and I no longer want to know. I really did want to know for the first few days. I was utterly heartbroken, to be honest. It really, really got to me. I don’t care if he knows that, either. At first, I tried to grab onto anger and not be upset- I didn’t want him to win and get what he wanted. But my ideas about that have changed over the week. I AM upset by these words. I know that they are false, now, and I know that I should pity this person. I do empathize with him because I have been that angry with someone and with life, just like him. The words still hurt, though, because I know that there was a time in my life that I was miserable, though not in the way he says.

There is one thing in particular that had made me realize his words are false.

I was nominated as one of Birmingham’s Most Beautiful people. This isn’t a contest about looks- no worries. Anyway, there are quite a few nominees and only 20 will be featured in the magazine once the results are in. It is an amazing opportunity to get word out about the charities and things that we each work with.

It is not the actual nomination that has helped me feel better about the horrible note, but rather, the amount of love I have received from people I have never even met. It was like a snowball: friends and family shared. Then their friends and family shared. Comments upon comments.

It has made me feel like everything I do matters, and reminded me that I am not the bad things someone says about me. I know that I am a good person and there are good people that believe in me and my story- as corny as that sounds, it worked. I stopped feeling the hurt and shame that note made me feel. Not only that, but the contest has caught me on fire and I am more than ready for the next thing. I am hoping to help camp with a new part of their program now that I’m healed and I’m busting at the seams about it!

So, blog people, here are the links to the contest and to my bio, submitted by the person that nominated me.

Here is the bio page: http://photos.al.com/alphotos/2014/04/bp_pics_1zip_30.html

And the Contest: http://www.al.com/bhammag/index.ssf/2014/04/vote_for_birmingham_magazines_1.html

Also, here’s a link to some really good music! It’s a friend’s band, Kenny George Band, and they are pretty fantastic, if I do say so myself:   https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/gunshy/id858654835

It is also on Amazon and Google Play. If you want to check it out on either of those sites let me know and I will share those links.

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I am half way through.

Okay, okay… I never even updated about the when and what and where of surgery on here…. I was too nervous.

Let me tell you guys about that, now that it’s over.

I was terrified and I have no idea why. It was my 13th surgery.  I had been put to sleep and had insane things done to me 12 times and for some reason, I was having horrible, GRAPHIC, TERRIFYING thoughts and images go through my head any time I really sat down let my thoughts roam free. I am not kidding when I say that I thought I was going to die. It was a gut feeling and I hated it.

Then the day came and I was so at peace and ready for whatever was going to happen and no longer thought I would die, because the gut feeling was gone.

Being ready for anything came in handy, because right before I was wheeled into the operating room, a change was made. But let me start from the beginning.

I had planned (along with my surgeons) to have a prophylactic mastectomy on the right side, because of the scary large fibroid adenomas and the amount of grief that was sure to cause every time I had a mammogram. We would go in and move my lattisimus dorsi muscles on BOTH sides in order to reconstruct. Even on the prophylactic side, despite it being skin sparing, so that both sides would match. Implants would go in under the muscles. Skin would be moved from my back as well. Most of you know all those other ‘minor’ things that also happen during this whole process. They aren’t so minor when you realize what is actually being done to your body, but they are surgically.

The morning of surgery, my surgeon came in and told me that Dr Long (Plastic Surgeon) would start. He would start with the muscles. I’ll explain how that works:  he would detach the back muscles and possibly the skin needed. He would not be finished, at all, at that point. Then Dr Bland (Surgeon) would perform his part- the prophylactic mastectomy. Next, Dr Long would come back in and tunnel those muscles and any skin he left attached to them under a small tendon and the skin on my side. At this point, my back would be closed back up and Dr Long would reconstruct.

Dr Long came in after Dr Bland… a little late, to Blands dismay. He drew allllll over me and assured me that my tattoos would not be touched (HOORAY!!!), and asked if he could use an expander on my left side so that I would end up with breasts the same size I started with- I am too small for much actual tissue to be moved- as it would be easier to do with an expander and then an implant. I was so calm that I just told him to do whatever he needed to do to get the results he wanted.

He loved that answer.

……Surgeons. Those egos are so big.

So, I was only in the hospital for 3 days following surgery and I left with all six drains and some necrosis on the left side (the side with the expander), though I had expected it on the small circle of skin moved to the prophylactic side, because I have read that it’s common there. In the hospital nearly half of the tissue that was moved was dusky. Within a week only a quarter was and just a few days later that duskiness became hard, which is good.  I had four drains out after 2 weeks. The last 2 came out this past Monday, 2 days before the 3 week mark. He said my necrosis is healing way faster than he is accustomed to and I begin filling my expander on the 31st, because we could safely guess that the necrosis would be healed by then. I think it will be completely healed by the 4 week mark, which is next Wednesday.

The very next day- April 1st, I will have a mammogram. Can I tell you how scared I am? Not that there will be any abnormalities, but that it is really going to hurt to put a recently filled expander into a mammogram thingy. Is this a cruel joke?!

Pathology has come back on the mastectomy that was performed and all was clear. Three nodes came out and the fibroids were so large that they went on and on about it on the phone with me for quite some time. I just laughed and said I knew- I mean, they had been in my tata since I was about 16 and one of them really was huge. I mean… HUGE.  More than 6cm in diameter and so rubbery that when the biopsy was performed last year, the marker wouldn’t stay in it. Not to mention how hard it was for them to biopsy the thing. Manually.

So glad that’s over!

Anyway, I cannot use my crutches or my arms (nothing that requires weight on them) for about 2.5 more weeks. I have gotten really good at putting on shirts and moving around without using my shoulders at all. Haha! I’ve also learned how to target specific muscles when I move (sitting up was the first thing I had to do, so my abs do most of the work, but eventually turning my torso became necessary and I had to learn to NOT use my lats. Now, I can turn and my boob wont flex. Hooray! Haha)

Anyway. I am relieved. But of course, there is at least one more surgery once the expander is full. Number 14 will be an easy outpatient surgery but, of course, it will signal relief once it is complete, now matter how fast and easy.

Here are some links about what I had done- essentially 3 different surgeries took place, but I wanted to share some lat flap info if anyone needed it.

A video, if you can handle watching a surgery: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALIrQGX03dE

http://www.mdanderson.org/patient-and-cancer-information/cancer-information/cancer-topics/cancer-treatment/surgery/breast-reconstruction/ld-flap.html

http://breastcancer.about.com/od/reconstructivesurgery/tp/latissimus_dorsi.htm

That should cover it!

Foaming at the Mouth

A few nights ago, while I was fighting to sleep, my thoughts took a rather obsessive turn and I followed through with my obsession and hit up Google, for the thousandth time, about a topic already in my search history. After roughly an hour of hiding under the covers with my phone so as not to wake my husband with a jarring light, I realized exactly what I was doing and grounded myself. Then I posted a jest on Facebook about how absolutely crazy I can make myself.

While it was a joke, it was obviously received loud and clear.

The topic is a very serious one.

I have lightly touched on the invincibility a childhood cancer survivor can feel and how it affected my breast cancer diagnosis. I generally put off going to the doctor over anything until it was too late- until I had developed a fever of 101 or until I had realized exactly how gross and sand papery those lumps felt (one month after my boyfriend told me to go have them checked out).

At several points in my life I had the gall to say, “Life is not so cruel that I would have TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT CANCERS before I hit 30/50/70.”

Well, life showed me, didn’t she?

So the topic of interest is the level of hypochondria I have now.

Pardon my French, but this shit gets crazy!

The status I posted is as follows:

This whole second cancer before 30 is turning me into an insane hypochondriac. I used to be exactly the opposite (which led to putting off going to the Dr about my booby lumps). Blake is too, only he’s all, “I think I’m getting a cold/the flu/a stomach virus/ear infection” but it’s usually because he sneezes once. I, on the other hand, think of some really morbid stuff because I’m (probably) having side effects from my cancer treatment. I Google to see if it’s a side effect- if it’s not or is uncommon I Google more. The next thing I know, I have 7 new cancers and rabies.

I think I’m a little misleading in blaming Google for my self diagnosis, because sometimes I give myself a diagnosis and check to make sure that I am correct.

I have never been offered any support emotionally when it comes to my recent diagnosis (As far as professional support goes) and I am finding that to be kind of weird. This is obviously a real phenomenon. Of course we do this to ourselves! Even if we only do it every now and then at 4 in the morning and we can ground ourselves and make jokes about it- it is real.

I don’t think I realized that until I read all of the comments I received.

I also think I am more on edge about what is going on with my body because I have an oncologist that is so unreceptive to my worries, so blasé about my aches and pains and side effects. Not only that, but my general physician is a complete twat and the office is a joke. Seriously.  (I’d love to change to another one but this is not currently an option).

Anyway, these are all topics I intend to mention when I mean with Dr. N on Friday.

I’ll keep you guys posted.

And no worries- I am not going nuts over here, I am balanced, I do not worry a lot (but when I do, WHAM), I know I don’t actually have rabies, etc etc etc.

I am fine. However, my humor may be a bit morbid.

Breaking up with Tamoxifen

(Two in one day.. I know; I’m sorry! But PLEASE read this one 🙂 )

 

I am very seriously considering no longer taking Tamoxifen.

I never thought I would say that.

I never thought I would say that because I do whatever my oncologists tell me to do. And I honestly think that if Dr. Howard (my Childhood oncologist) told me to take it, I would NEVER consider dropping it.

Let’s be honest, he is a better doctor than my current oncologist.  (No worries, she doesn’t read my blog. Not even sure she would recognize me on the street or remember that I was about to get married the last time I saw her.)

I am kind of shocked at myself for even considering dropping the drug. I love modern medicine. Really.

When people insult chemotherapy I take that personally because I went through it in all of my glory and it was WORTH IT. I won’t let anyone tell me it was not worth it and green tea would have done the job much easier.

And well, I knew all the statistics when I started taking Tamoxifen and I kind of knew what to expect and I knew it wouldn’t be pretty. I told myself ‘it ain’t chemo’ and got on with it.

So, in a week I set the date for my second mastectomy. The stats are still the same this month as they were before. After my second mastectomy, chances of reoccurrence are 1%, with or without the Tamoxifen.

I’m not really feeling listing why I want to drop it from my regimen after surgery, but I do want to know how you all feel about this. If you have not taken the drug, the side effects are insane. Feel free to do some research, because it’s not just hot flashes and butt expansion. The unlisted ones are also insane (for example, lightening fast stabbing headaches up to 40 times an hour. I counted this morning. I know it is PROBABLY the Tamoxifen because of previous conversations with my medical team and because I left my meds at home when I went to the beach with Camp… and they stopped. They came back about 2 weeks after I came home and resumed meds.).

 

So, tell me ‘bout it. Pros and cons from your vantage point? Any experience??

(yes, I know I need to talk to my medical team about it. I will. But I’m talking to you first!)

What’s Your Pain Level

How is it that our doctors don’t scour the internet to read forums and see what people are saying about our treatments? How is it that I have heard and read (even on the packaging for my lovely Tamoxifen) that certain side effects might just happen to a number of women but my oncologist says that is not the case?

There is nothing more irritating than knowing something is not normal and having a doctor or ANYONE tell you that it has absolutely nothing to do with your treatment and then STILL not help you figure out what it is. When the response is, ‘It’s not the meds, keep taking them.’ And you ask, ‘What is the issue, then?’ and they can only answer, ‘I don’t know’ and go no further to help you, there is a problem.

A very serious problem.

I don’t care about that the fact that the ‘issues’ are probably not life threatening, it is just that I know there is something up and I want to know why. I want it acknowledged that something is not right.

I mean, I haven’t complained to my oncologist about the silly things:  the acne (I have NEVER had acne in my life but this hormone blocker is making me break out like an 8th grade boy), the expanding hips (Ill just keep up my workouts and complain to Blake and all of you about that one), the cracked and peeling finger nails, etc… But I have told her about the things I think she can either help or reduce and the things she may want to know about as they are considered abnormal or serious on the packaging.

Those things include blurred vision and trouble focusing and constant sore throat, bone pain and severe uterine pain.

My cycle has moved from a solid 28 days to 30 days, to 34 days, etc. It hung in there for a while but recently it went all the way to 46 days. On day 43 I doubled over in pain while taking a shower and freaked myself and Blake out. The next morning I called my oncologist and she told me to go in to the ER to get checked out.

I did, of course. I do everything they tell me. I can’t help it.

I  wasted 5 plus hours of my life only to leave the ER with no information. The doctor did not tell me any of my test results or give me copies as I requested. Instead, he came in and said that he had talked to my oncologist and had decided that it was all in my head.

Of COURSE I was making up the horrible pain and absentee period! (Sorry if that is TMI, but bodies are strange creatures and that is actually relevant)

Completely logical explanation.

The next day I received a call from my oncologist’s nurse and she told me that they did find a cyst. This is not abnormal to me, as there are cysts in every ultrasound I have ever had. I even told them there was probably a cyst there, but this was not normal pain for a cyst. Nor was it located in a normal cyst pain area. Anyway, she told me it was probably the cyst I was feeling when I experienced the pain- the pain that I informed her had dulled but was still present. I inquired about the, now, 44 day cycle. Her response was that my doctor said it had nothing to do with my estrogen blocker. That’s it.

Up until last Friday I experienced that pain constantly and I had absolutely no idea what to do about it.

My positive thought is that I go see my surgeon two weeks from today and he and his staff seem to know more about the treatment of premenopausal women than my oncologist does. They prepared me more than she has, for sure. I fully expect to leave the surgeons office with answers or at least an idea of what is going on and I know they will help me if they can- if it is possible.

Because dang it! It hurts!

Maybe it wouldn’t be so annoying to me except that I DO NOT complain about pain. I just don’t. Not until it is ridiculous.

My mother used to stare me down when a nurse asked my pain level after surgeries. My answer is always 3. I think any pain that is not making my want to kill things is a 3. I have gotten screamed at by my loved ones for refusing pain meds more than I can count. Going to the doctor and asking for help was really tough for me to do, but I was really in that much pain. And I was scared.

So. Do you guys have any info you can share? And advice or links to advice? I’ve read every forum and popular medical site that addressed this with little luck.

Bald on the Inside

I feel like I should regularly have more updates for you all. I mean, the exciting life of a breast cancer patient is never ending, right?!

Well. Not so much.

I have pretty much the most boring life ever, right now. But I’m okay with that.

And most days I worry or think about normal life junk more than breast cancer junk. Stuff like money. Where the hell does it all go and why don’t we have any? And my dog. Why does he shed SO MUCH? What if he secretly hates me? If I ever have babies will he hate them?!

But breast cancer is occasionally a part of these worries.

For instance, I wore the foam boob the other day because sometimes it’s just less.. hot. I went to the pet store to buy dog food and look at cute animals andsomeone got to witness my prostetic falling out and onto the ground. In the PET STORE. By the gerbils. He handled it well though. He was crouched down next to where it fell and just kinda did a double take at it on the ground, picked it up and handed it to me. Then we continued on with our conversation.

It was a beautiful moment, really.

But on the drive home my brain went haywire.

I’m wearing the foam boob for lots of boring clothes related and comfort related reasons. What if I lean down to hug an adorable child or seated adult? What if I go all sorority pose for a photo op and lean down a little too far?! What if I do these things and that boob just flies out?!

Well.

It’d be a memory…

But really. Sometimes it’s just hilarious.

The hot flashes are funnier, but I wont get in to that.

I wish the other side effects were as funny as the hot flashes. But I have yet to make a memory out of the joint and bone pain, the uterine pain or my constantly growing rear end.

Okay, that last one is just funny on its own.

But really, I know I’ve got it easy.

I had my check up the other day, and while I was the youngest and I got some pretty ridiculous looks… I was also the ‘healthiest’.

It’s okay, though. I didn’t feel left out.

98

I think Ive posted this before, but I thought it was fitting to post again 🙂

I know we are all bald on the inside.

I like big butts and I cannot lie?

Tamoxifen. I know you all are probably SICK of hearing about Tamoxifen.

But listen, it’s new for me!

And it’s freakin’ crazy what it does to me and my body!

Obviously, by body is a little wonky for a 27 year old woman, anyway, but this sure doesn’t help.

I mean, with Tamoxifen, I may as well be going through menopause. I’m not even kidding.

Just a few short weeks after I was diagnosed with my Breast cancer, I was given my fertility ‘diagnosis’ from my TLC doctors (Taking on Life After Cancer – I go to keep up with my side effects from the year of intense inpatient chemo and such from my Osteo) and it was on the really low end of the normal spectrum, but there was still a chance. To me, that would mean that my body’s on a cusp, right? It’s a precarious situation! Like balancing a see-saw at the playground!

I went from living as a seemingly normal 27 year old, pre-manopause, to something else.

I am not used to these insane, monumental body changes!

So, sure. We all know about the EPIC hot flashes it causes. Man they are epic. I feel like I’ve been dropped in a deep fryer on a really regular basis. The muscles in my legs and my abdomen are the worst- they burn from the inside and I literally think I’m going to cook! Haha It gets intense, especially in this Alabama summer heat!

(These Hot flashes ARE SO INTENSE that I have woken up in the morning to start my day with my pajamas all over the floor and hung up in the sheets… I have done so with NO memory of stripping them off in the night! My brain is so upset by them that it won’t even wake me up to take off the clothes! It just makes me do it!)

And you all know about it causing me to be exceptionally exhausted every afternoon, no matter what I do (unless I drink a spark!). You know that it’s not just normal tired, but crazy headache, wobbly eyed, pms-y tired. And some of you are probably experiencing these same exact things.

But here is what is currently weirding me out: I have not gained a pound, but my hips are growing!

The men have always joked that the women in my family get a little bigger down there as we age… but this is crazy. I have no aged, yet!

I was warned that I might gain weight, so I needed to keep up with my exercise and healthy eating- that hasn’t been an issue at all. I get hormonal weight changes and bloating- sometimes up to 5 lbs- and that;s new, but only lasts a day. My waist is still the same it was the day I started the meds (maybe an inch smaller, even), but my butt… that’s a whole other story.

I had no intention of going through any of the physical changes of menopause at the ripe age of 27! Since I am, I guess I will just embrace my butt and do some extra squats! Let’s hope nothing too weird happens to my body before this is all over… and let’s hope my butt doesn’t get too much bigger, I have a wedding dress to fit it into!

PS Please don’t let me start growing random hairs just yet. Please. I am not ready for that, not yet!

This!

This article could have been written by me, in so many ways.

THIS ONE! Click me! Yay!

One of the things I love most about being a childhood cancer survivor (And one of the things I love most about my peers) is that life becomes richer and more intense, afterwards. Some of us act invincible. Most of us have said something about how we have already had cancer, what else could happen? If you are reading this and you’re thinking, ‘my daughter/son/cousin/nephew/whatever is a survivor and he/she is not like that!’ then I will say this- they were either too young to have it effect them the same way, they turned to God and immersed themselves in religion instead, or they are really good at hiding their actions from you.

This is just my opinion, of course.

But think about it- for quite some time our brains think we are invincible. Isn’t there a word for that in teens? Anyway, sure. We thought we were invincible, but we knew cancer kills people. Then we got it… and we didn’t die!

I know a lot of survivors that have done a lot of crazy stuff just because they can.

Of course, this same mentality leads most of us to over achieve in a lot of areas and under achieve in other areas.. but that’s another post.

EITHER WAY.

I lived a pretty secretive life for a long time. The risk taking lifestyle got pretty dark in some places.

Then I started fighting against a dark part of myself. There is a big force behind me bettering myself in a lot of ways. THEN I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer (aka cancer #2) and it made life less of a struggle. That risky lifestyle might still be there, but the dark part of it is not fighting so hard to show it’s ugly head.

Over Compensating (or Tales of a pretend wonder woman)

Sometimes I like to completely over compensate and try to be wonder woman. For real.

Today, for instance, I had to run a few errands- one in particular. I really needed to have my oil changed and my tires rotated and such. So, I did that. Then I went grocery shopping.

A lot of people that are helping me really hate when I go alone, but sometimes I really like to- because I’m wonder woman.

So, I pushed my buggy around while using my crutches and worked off some of my anxiety over the day (my family is crazy) and got stuff for dinner and breakfast for the week. It was fine. No big deal, just a few weird looks, per usual (That girl on crutches is pushing her own buggy and not using a motorized cart! It’s insanity up in here!!).

Then I got home.

And I had to carry the groceries in.

Up the stairs.

Why do I do this to myself?

I put the milk in my purse and everything else into a big reusable shopping bag and threw both over my shoulder. Once Id made it up the stairs, my purse broke.

I couldn’t even be upset because I was so satisfied with what I had done! Not to mention, my AdvoCare distributor packet was waiting for me on my doorstep. Hooray!

(I decided to sign up as a distributor because, what do you know if they don’t make the one thing I have found that pulls me out of my slump! The product I fell in love with is Spark- you can find the ingredient list and info here: http://www.advocare.com/products/active/A2094.aspx and my website here: https://www.advocare.com/13055182 This stuff is seriously awesome and packed full of vitamins and good stuff!)

Anyway. I am not wonder woman.

But I sure did enjoy pretending to be, today.

And others…

I know you are so happy about this: I went and got fitted for a mastectomy bra or two and got a new prosthetic that won’t pop out in public!

You can all stop waiting for it to happen when we are together, now! Yay!

I am not lying when I say that I expected it to be a horrible experience. Not sure why… but I really thought it was going to be horrible. But it was the BEST bra buying experience ever. If you are in the Birmingham area and know women who need mastectomy bras, prosthetics or anything cancer related (OR you can go and get one of the really comfy mastectomy bras even if you still have both of your tata’s) I really recommend you send them to For Ladies Only in Vestavia. So wonderful.

While I was being fitted, the lady said, “Your chest wall is BEAUTIFUL!” Without fully grasping what she said, I said, “Thank you so much!” and oozed with happiness over the word beautiful. I mean, I was a nervous wreck in there. I was at least 30 years younger than everyone in the building and I had NO idea what was going on for a minute. I was also EXHAUSTED because I went straight from work (more on that later).

So I heard ‘beautiful’ and like most women, I swooned! (That is not the reason this was a great experience, but it helped)

It wasn’t until I was driving home that I really thought about that comment. “Your chest wall is beautiful! Who is your surgeon?? He did a fabulous job!” That MUST be the same as hearing, “Your implants are beautiful! Who is your surgeon?? He did a fabulous job!” Surely it is the same? I thought about it the whoooole drive home and it still made me proud. Heck yeah I have a great chest wall! And I’m going to have two fabulous reconstructed breasts next year! (I hope)

I wanted to call my surgeon and tell him all about the compliment we received… but I’ll wait til our appointment in July, I guess!

While my chest wall may be lovely, my energy levels still leave something to be desired. I pretty much have PMS every afternoon. I’m tired, sore, grumpy and have a headache every evening. If I don’t work, I try to clean up or straighten up at least one room and do a load of laundry. At about 3, I start crashing. I don’t get sleepy so I don’t nap; I just can’t, so I will rest. I will literally sit and do nothing except watch a show or two online. It doesn’t revive me, but it keeps me going and keeps the soreness and the headaches from hitting too hard.

If I DO work in the mornings (I had previously explained to my boss that my stamina was crap so I have been scheduled for morning shifts since returning to work- until this coming week) I am up at 6, at work at 7 and work until noon, roughly. When I clock out, I’m usually so exhausted that I’ll chug something with caffeine for the drive home. When I get home, I crash for about 30 minutes. There is no stopping it. Around 5pm I get my PMS symptoms. Then it’s dinner, time with Blake, bathe, bed.

I’m not sure if it is the medicine that is making me this way, but I think it must be. This is not the same as post surgery tiredness and surgery was 3 months ago.

So, I need help.

Advice, I guess.

What can I add to my diet or my day that will help me make it through the day? (besides iron and vitamin b)

I am working two afternoons next week, starting when my exhaustion hits the hardest and going until pretty late. I would normally take my medicine at 8pm, but I’m going to push it back to when I get home so that I can make the drive home without any issues (it messes with my focus on top of making me tired). I’m just really lost for what to do about it all and thought you guys might be able to help!

I have a whole list of side effects aside from the exhaustion and eye issues, so I can’t wait to go over them with my oncologist! Maybe she can start me on B12 shots or something?