Lady Tragedy

Surgery date set? You bet your sweet ass it is. Do I know the details? Nope. Just that it is February 18th. Will I know the details soon? In the words of everyone’s favorite Alaskan politician… you betcha! I meet to plan the surgery the 4th. That’s a little under a week away. I cannot wait.. but I have a lot to plan. I’ll be off my crutches for some time… and that means more to plan than the average mastectomy patient.

I’m really worried about money during the time I’m recovering and the time after. I won’t be working. I don’t think my boss realizes how much I won’t be working. I feel guilty about work. I got the job and just a few short weeks later? Oh, hey there breast cancer!

Honestly, I feel guilty about a lot of things when it comes to having cancer, again. I feel guilty in pretty much every aspect of my life where it is concerned. This is not like the survivors guilt so many of my peers experience at camp. Nope. Can’t explain what kind of guilt it is like, but imagine bringing people into a life of cancer. Imagine doing it to family AGAIN, and to friends for the first time. Imagine MAKING friends while you have cancer. Adult friends. With a life and a family. Imagine people you barely know helping you. People are emotionally invested in me and they did not ask to be emotionally invested in me WITH cancer. But you know, they are. My bad.

In the complete opposite realm of friendship… jeeeeezus at all the people coming out of the woodwork. I mean… wow. I have about 20 pending friend requests on facebook from people I haven’t talked to in years; people I’ve barely spoken to EVER; people that I know do not like me AT ALL; etc. People are attracted to this, I’ve always known that. People are curious. Tragedy made a lot of people famous in the theater world, didn’t it? It’s really no surprise, is it? Or well, it shouldn’t be.

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