Please stop patting me on the back

I feel like a sitting duck, here. I have met with my team of doctors in breast health but that’s really it. I’ve learned more on my own than they have told me. Other than that one appointment, I have done nothing but wait. I hate the inactivity of breast cancer. My blessing and my curse here is that I DID have cancer already. I have expectations.
But let’s talk about that appointment.
I love my surgeon. Which is good, since I deal with him first. He told me he suggests a mastectomy and I surprised him by tell him that I want a mastectomy, so that works out well. He complimented me by saying that I am one of the most mature people he has seen in a long time. I’m holding onto that, especially because I’m the youngest patient I saw that day. Good for that broken confidence, ya know.
My oncologist is quite another story. She is not decisive and doesn’t give me a feeling of confidence at all. She went over records of mine that are in the system at the clinic (there are records from 98-present), she went over the treatment summary that I brought her and she contradicted herself a lot. She came across as unsure. She patted me on the back and told me everything would be okay. I felt the need to comfort HER because she seemed so weak and upset about my having cancer, again. To me, she should be decisive. She should have a plan of action. She should not be intimidated by her patient. I am not confident in working with her but have no idea what to do about that.
My radiologist is also a back patter. We really had nothing to talk about at this point. She just patted and rubbed me and said she hopes we don’t have to work together. I agreed. If we do work together, I hope she proves to be confident with the task at hand. Cancer does not mess around and I don’t need my doctors to.

Now, in August I had my yearly check up with Children’s for my first cancer. During that appointment I agreed to have my AMA (I think) levels tested. They essentially tell you how close to menopause you are and/or if you are in it. For someone on birth control, this is super amazing because you don’t have to stop taking it. The down side was that results took a while. Due to my family history with breast cancer, upon diagnosis I decided I MUST be in menopause. Must be. All the women ib my family were when they were diagnosed. Completely logical for me to assume that, I think. But I called to get my results and I am normal. Low normal, but normal. What the crud? So, of course, that means if I have to have chemo I’m going to shoot those numbers straight into menopause and I should talk to a doctor about egg preservation. But that’s really expensive so it probably won’t be happening. But there are payment plans…
While I was on the phone with the clinic going over these results, the nurse told me that Dr. Howard, my tried and true childhood oncologist, wants me to work with an oncologist named Dr. Carpenter. I want me to work with him, too, Dr Howard… I really do. So, I’m questioning all kind of things right now.
I don’t want to wish away my experiences, as hard as they are. I just want to understand God’s will in this. Because I don’t.


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